


General Plo Gives the 104th 'The Talk'

by sharkcar



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anthropology, Clone Sex, Clone Wars, Prostitution, clone culture, sex-ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 10:29:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7973536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkcar/pseuds/sharkcar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Wolffe and his batch mates recount the story of their first week on Coruscant, having no clue how to interact with women. Wolffe decided it would be a good idea to ask his celibate Jedi general to explain girls to his men, because, as he says, Plo Koon was the only guy he knew that wasn't a brother. What ensued was a spectacular catastrophe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	General Plo Gives the 104th 'The Talk'

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while back as a practice piece when I was thinking about how some aspects of clone culture might work. Not as serious as most of my stuff and much filthier, but it did make me laugh writing it.

It was just another night at 79’s. It is not exactly that they all blur together, it is just that we identify the memorable nights not by date or something. We identify them as “That time that…” This was that time that General Plo got hammered.  
  
It was the first time at 79’s for the new 104th. I had lost most of the battalion in a sudden attack by the Separatist ship ‘Malevolence’. Once the new Battalion was assembled, I had gone to Kamino to oversee their training for a month. Then we were sent to Coruscant to await orders. Every one of my guys was a brand new shiny straight out of Kamino except for me and two others, my Wolfpack mates, Boost and Sinker. We were sitting at a table, when General Plo came by. I had called him, but I didn’t expect him to show up. All the brothers cheered. Everybody wanted to buy the general a drink. He said he couldn’t stay long. He had never been to 79’s before, so he might have been nervous. But he got sucked in. We’re not actually scary guys once you get to know us. He quickly got trashed. I met him at the bar to get a new round. He handed me a box with some credits. "Here you are, Wolffe."  
  
“Thanks for loaning me the money, General,” I genuinely was grateful.  
  
I needed the money, it was crucial for something that would maintain my status among my new recruits.  
  
We clones didn’t have much money, we weren’t paid well because we weren’t supposed to have anything to spend it on. The Republic provided us with our rations, living spaces, and clothes. It was just that, what they gave us was pretty bad. And we didn’t have many ways of differentiating ourselves besides insignia of rank. Haircuts and tattoos, armor decoration, were allowed. We had given each other names. But the Republic didn’t encourage us to be individuals. The Jedi did, but they were not making the laws governing our behaviors. Bottom line, things like shopping were supposed to be unnecessary for us, so we were not even allowed to go to stores. Stores had to pay fines if we were caught in there. Some businesses would allow us, but usually places in bad neighborhoods. The same was true of restaurants. We weren’t supposed to eat non-government rations so eateries were fined and very few would serve us. Bars too. There was really only one bar we went to. 79’s in the Armory District near the base. There was a strip club and brothel a few blocks away, The Tchun Tchin. Both places were run by the Hutts and had an understanding with the Republic that they would look the other way. They provided a service, they kept us confined. Now, these places served alcohol. And they were places to obtain the other contraband we wanted. Namely drugs and girls. Drugs were mostly legal, but regulated and expensive to the point we couldn’t afford them. The unlicensed dealers sold them for cheaper. Lots of dealers frequented our establishments. As for the girls, we were technically not allowed relationships. They said families would have distracted us from our jobs. They also made sure we had nothing we could offer women. Like I said, we made almost no money, we couldn’t make children, we didn’t even get to say whether or not we had time to see them. Even with all that, sometimes girls did like us. We weren’t bad guys, some of them found us cute. Yet, most of society shunned girls who were seen with us. Some girls got with us to be rebellious. Those things never lasted. Some liked to use us, since we had no power. We just had to be grateful that someone would let us be with them. But most of the female contact in clone society was with prostitutes.  
  
The Tchun Tchin had Twi’lek slave labor. The prices were fixed, the girls were compliant, the experience pretty standard. It was a safe environment for first timers and it was a democratic establishment, first come first serve. The situation with the girls at 79’s was infinitely more complicated.  
  
The proportion of professional girls to clones was sharply skewed. Competition for their favor and attention was steep. For example, you would never ask a girl yourself. She had to approach you. She’d ask if you were interested and then you could say yes or no, but usually it was yes. You’d offer her the price and she’d negotiate. You’d pay, then you’d get maybe ten minutes with her in the bathroom. It was uncomfortable and not really satisfying, but it got the job done. Most of the girls had their own flats where you could pay more and get more of their time. It could be very expensive, but was definitely a worthwhile experience.  
  
The girls had a ranking system, too. Who cost more, who was more desirable. They’d compete over favorable partners. They favored officers, of course. They liked guys who had just been on the news. They’d make the rounds, offer to higher ranking guys. Then down the line. They were always busy. Low ranking guys sometimes never got offered. Attracting the girls' attention could increase a guy's standing in the eyes of his brothers.  
  
Tonight, I had an appointment to spend the night with C.C., the most beautiful and desirable professional girl we clones could go to. She had offered me the appointment herself, picked me above all of my brothers. Accepting was a matter of honor in clone society. If I’d refused her, it would have lowered my dignity in front of my brothers and it would have insulted her. Among us clones, you didn’t want to run afoul of the professional girls. They had a lot of power. In addition, I had spent the night with C.C. once before and I really, really wanted to do it again. So I’d called General Plo for help.  
  
“Don’t worry, Commander, I don’t want the money back.” He sipped his drink through a straw. My big brother, General Plo. He always looked out for me. General Plo Koon found clone culture fascinating. Whenever I explained how things worked in our society, he always wanted to help. Like it was a matter of honor to him that the guys of the 104th won at contests against other outfits, or that I maintained the respect of my brothers since I was commander. He might not have shared our customs, but he always left us free to express ourselves in our own ways. He was always proud of our victories, no matter how strange they might have seemed in his world. We did our best to never disappoint him.  
  
I was glad that General Plo had finally come out to 79’s to see us. Clones weren’t allowed in normal establishments on Coruscant, since we were government property. General Skywalker had already been in a few times to visit us, and it made us feel a little more like normal guys. Most Jedi could be pretty aloof, I was glad that General Plo wasn’t like that. I pitied guys like my brother Ponds. General Windu had always seemed kind of cold.  
  
Once it got pretty late, I put General Plo into an air taxi, together with two new guys, Slingshot and Trace, who were told to make sure he made it to his quarters in the Jedi Temple. When they got back, I bought them each a drink and they sat down with me. They said they had run into General Skywalker who was on his way out for some reason. He had to help them get General Plo into his helium tank. They may have dropped him once carrying him.  
  
“Why didn’t Skywalker use the Force to levitate him?” I asked.  
  
“He did to get him into the tank. But on the way to Plo’s room, he couldn’t because he was laughing too hard. General Plo kept saying things to make us laugh.”  
  
“Like what?”  
  
“Like one time he lifted his head up and sang the jingle from that ice cream commercial.”  
  
“Yeah, or he said in a General Kenobi voice, ‘And I’ll have the soup.’”  
  
I just exploded with laughter. I really had to spend more time drinking with General Plo.  
  
It was the end of the night, I was not the drunkest I’ve ever been. I had to talk to too many people to drink much. But I had hit the spice pipe a few times. C.C. was still busy, so while I waited I sat at the table with Boost, Sinker, and the two new guys.  
  
C.C. came over to join us for a drink. “Wolffe, you need to have a talk with these boys.”  
  
I laughed, “About what?”  
  
“I don’t know, it’s like dealing with a bunch of tipsy Parwans, they don’t seem to know what to do with their hands. And give them a damned anatomy lesson or something. That’s the third time tonight that someone tried to give me the Trandoshan. And there is etiquette for blaster practice! I’m not a damned Sarlacc.” She adjusted the cap over her head tails. Clone slang was expressive if you understood it. C.C. had invented some of our filthier terms.  
  
Everyone at the table laughed at the new shinies we had just unleashed on the ladies of Coruscant. We clones never had any experience with women until we left Kamino and went off to fight. So we could be pretty inept at first. We chronically said idiotic things to girls. We all knew it. And we knew we were awkward when we finally got alone with them.  
  
I looked down at my player pod as I wrote down her quote and smiled. “I’ll talk to them.”  
  
Boost looked up, “We could do a seminar like General Plo did in our first week.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” C.C.’s Twi’leki accent was really cute.  
  
I started talking, but with every sentence, the laughing at the table escalated. “He did a seminar for us. On women. And sex. I thought it was really informative.” By the end, I was laughing.  
  
“Your celibate Jedi General, who I might add is a Kel Dor, so totally different equipment, gave you some kind of middle school sex ed talk?” C.C. waved her hand, her eyes were incredulous.  
  
“Well, we were only ten, isn’t that middle school age?” I sipped my drink.  
  
“How do you know that?”  
  
“From the seminar,” when I said that C.C. giggled, “Plo Koon had to tell us which girls were appropriate.”  
  
“Oh my, you guys weren’t THAT clueless, were you?” C.C. had only met most of us about three weeks into our arrival on Coruscant. We had been given absolutely no direction on women and how to interact with them. It had been a recipe for disaster. We got to Coruscant where fifty percent of the population was female and most of them were compatible humanoid species. We were all terrified and enraptured at the same time. On Kamino we had never been allowed to touch ourselves or others in that way. So we had no idea what these feelings could be except in dreams. Then all of a sudden women were everywhere inspiring these feelings. Three weeks in, we had access to prostitutes and the pressure was somewhat alleviated. But the few weeks before that…yikes.  
  
“So are you going to tell the story of this seminar or what?” One of the new guys, I think Slingshot, asked.  
  
I looked at Boost and Sinker. We all shrugged and nodded. I recorded it on my player pod for posterity:  
  
Wolffe- Here we are at 79’s, the bar where everybody doesn’t just know your face, everybody has your face. At the booth, we have myself, as well as Boost and Sinker of the old 104th Legion, and some of the new recruits, and the lovely C.C., a very grateful citizen of the Republic. And they have asked Boost and Sinker, and me to tell the story of General Plo Koon’s special seminar on dating etiquette and…technical aspects. This was our first week on Coruscant out of Kamino. Literally, the only females we had ever seen were Kaminoan.  
  
Boost- (Drunkenly) And they mate by osmosis, so not exactly someone you want to run diagnostics on.  
  
C.C.- (Laughing, drunkenly, stroking Wolffe’s arm) Mmmm, girl, you’ve got the slimiest mucus membrane in this club.  
  
Sinker- (Slurring speech) So we get here, and there is no 79’s, no Tchun Tchin club, no clone places at all. So there’s all these women, and like, no one to give advice.  
  
Boost- Right, like, we knew there was something about them we liked, but we had no idea why. After a day or two, it started to get around that females could be um…interfaced with. (Laughing) Some guys had gotten ahold of some pictures of how to do it. We recognized right away that it was something we wanted. But we had no idea how to get it and we were not supposed to talk to civilians anyway.  
  
Sinker- It was a disaster. We didn’t know which ones we should talk to, which ones were too young, what it meant when they said they were married or had a boyfriend, or even how to tell if we were scaring them. No clue. I swear, most of us were just shouting at girls when we saw them on the street. Some would smile, but then we’d say something completely idiotic. No woman wants to hear immature things being said by a guy who looks thirty.  
  
Wolffe- So practically every half hour while we were off duty, I’d get called by the police to come and pick up some brother for some stupid thing. I explained that it was all a misunderstanding, get the guy out, take him back to Central Command. So I got sick of having to spend my supposed free time running back and forth from the police station to the base. I asked General Plo if he could help out. (Everyone laughing). I somehow figured that it was a good idea to ask a Jedi to explain girls to us. I mean, he was the only guy I knew that wasn’t a brother.  
  
Sinker- Where did we do that…oh yeah, we couldn’t have it on the base, because we weren’t really supposed to be allowed to date in the first place. Where did we go?  
  
Boost- The war room at the Jedi Temple.  
  
Sinker- Yeah, the Jedi Temple. (Everyone laughing continuously)  
  
Wolffe- I told everyone it was mandatory.  
  
C.C.- (Grinning) Good idea.  
  
Boost- We thought it was like the classes in Tipoca City, where we had to take notes. I was really excited. I brought a whole box of pens.  
  
Sinker- Do you still have that notebook? I want to see the diagrams again. They were so great!  
  
Wolffe- So the General comes in, he has a presentation prepared. He started off with some kind of science presentation on the different species in the universe and how they get together and make children. But then he said that we can’t do that, since we’re engineered to not reproduce. So, (Laughs) in our loyalty classes in Tipoca, we used to ask lots of questions and the Kaminoans would answer. Everybody started asking questions. How can we tell which ones are female? How old do they have to be for sex? What species are compatible? What is a good place to go with a girl for it? Why is it not okay to punch her on the arm as a greeting? Why shouldn’t I tell her right away what I want? I think General Plo realized that things were worse than he thought.  
  
Sinker- He answered a few questions, but that just made us ask more. So he just kind of sighed and asked us to slow down. He decided to start over by asking us questions.  
  
Boost- (Doing Plo Koon impression by putting his hand in front of his mouth to muffle his speech) Has anyone here ever spoken to a humanoid female?  
  
Sinker- (Imitating an eager shiny brother at the seminar) I yelled at one, I told her she was beautiful. She thanked me. So I asked her if she’d like to have sex with my brothers and me.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Does anyone know why that is wrong?  
  
Sinker- (Eager shiny voice) I pointed at a girl’s breasts and told her I really liked them and could I touch them.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) No…that…no…  
  
(Laughter escalating)  
  
Sinker- (Eager shiny voice) I was drunk at a nightclub and asked her if she would like to go with me around the corner for...  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Can anyone tell me what happened when you acted that way?  
  
Sinker- (Eager shiny voice) We all ended up in the police station and Commander Wolffe threatened to stop bailing us out. That’s why we’re here.  
  
Wolffe- So he made us do some role playing exercises. One of us would be the guy and the other would be the girl. He ran us through some scenarios.  
  
(Everyone laughing)  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Now Snap, what should you say to the nice lady here. (Pats Wolffe’s shoulder)  
  
Sinker- I would like to see you without clothes, please.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) No, Snap, not quite. Why don’t we try something like, ‘Good evening, Miss. May I buy you a drink?’ Or, ‘Hello. You have very pretty eyes.’  
  
Sinker- But I don’t want to touch her eyes.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) *Sigh*, no, the point is not to tell her which parts you want to touch.  
  
(Laughter increasing)  
  
Sinker- Well then how do I get her to let me touch them?  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) I…think they want you to not want to touch them.  
  
Sinker- But I do.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Yes, but maybe she wants to think you are interested in something else about her too. At least, I think that’s how it works. Now, Cap, what would you say to a girl you meet on the street?  
  
Sinker- Hello, you have very pretty eyes.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Very good.  
  
Sinker- Would you please take me home with you.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Um…not the worst.  
  
Sinker- I was the best at cleaning in the cloning facility, so I have strong arms.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) What? I...don’t actually know why that would be an advantage…  
  
Sinker- I heard that joke on a holo-vid once that strong arms can do things.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Like what?  
  
Sinker- Silence. Seriously, you could hear us blinking.  
  
C.C.- Stop! I can’t take this.  
  
Wolffe- (Raises eyebrows twice at C.C., which started a laughing fit.) So then after four of five rounds of uncomfortable skits we moved on to what we should do with a woman assuming we could actually catch one.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Now, how many of you have seen a humanoid female naked?  
  
Wolffe- Dead silence for like three solid minutes.  
  
Sinker- Crickets.  
  
Wolffe- (Plo voice) Alright, I think we need some props. (Positions C.C. to stand at the end of the table)  
  
Boost- (In Plo voice, standing next to C.C.) Alright gentlemen, what we have here is an anatomical model of a female from the Jedi healing center. You’ll notice the major differences. Here we have the….ahem…breasts. And here the female internal organs, they can be different depending on the species, but if a species is compatible, she’ll have this.  
  
C.C.- You touch me, I will make you pay.  
  
Boost- Wolffe, can you loan me fifty credits?  
  
C.C.- And YOU had trouble getting girls. (Sarcastically) I refuse to believe it.  
  
Boost- (Plo voice) Now, who can tell me how we would go about attempting intercourse?  
  
Sinker- Blink blink.  
  
Wolffe- He had to go out again and get some more props to illustrate. Things shaped like...you know, Old One Eye. And other things shaped like…well, stuff you could put it into.  
  
Sinker- So he gives us a rundown of the mechanics. There was miming, which made everyone in the room uncomfortable.  
  
Boost- My diagram of this was awesome. Then we start asking him about positions. (Plo voice) I believe I know three standard ones.  
  
C.C.- (Cackling) What?!  
  
Sinker- He got these little wooden puppets they use to teach the different lightsaber stances and posed them.  
  
Boost- (Laughing uncontrollably) My diagrams of them were so detailed!  
  
(Laughing out of control)  
  
Wolffe- Dirty puppet diagrams! (Blushing, laughing and shaking his head) It was a spectacular catastrophe.  
  
C.C.- So what happened?  
  
Wolffe- (Laughing continuously, red faced) They opened the Tchun Tchin a few days later and we all went there. It was just easier. Learn by experience. And they opened this place.  
  
C.C.- You’re lucky you weren’t scarred for life!  
  
Sinker- We’re lucky.  
  
C.C.- Well, tonight, Commander Wolffe is the lucky one. You ready to go, sweetie?  
  
Of course, I went home with her and made an ass of myself saying something stupid. We clones all do that chronically. But she actually didn’t hold it against me the next time I saw her. Or the next time. Or the next time. I never paid for her again, she didn’t even take General Plo’s money. I would have paid willingly. I asked her why, once. Why me? Why, when she could have had any one of us, or lots of guys who had a lot more to offer her? But she said she liked me because I made her laugh more than anyone else she had ever met. That confused me, General Plo never covered stuff like that, but I guess that is one of those things you have to learn for yourself.


End file.
